Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones, But Words Hurt Forever

Do you have that one friend who always has to appear smarter than you are? Do they belittle you either publicly or privately, with comments or words that border on ridicule? Or perhaps they slyly make fun of you, in a way that they say is “joking” but really masks negative or hurtful opinions that if, heaven forbid, you said to them would make you a horrible person.  If so, you’ve been bullied.

Bullying is an epidemic, and it’s not just reserved for children. I had experience with it growing up, and I still experience it now. Of course, these days it’s mostly online, by “friends” commenting or saying things that they assume makes them sound smarter but in reality is really only an indication they're really insecure themselves and therefore their comments are probably not worthy of my time or concern. Of course, I’m old enough to realize that now, but it still doesn’t make it any less painful to have them write things that sound like supercilious know-it-all “you suck and I don’t” language in tweets, comments, emails or group texts. Once the words are out there, they’re there for all to see. I’m sure some of us still remember the adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” A nice thought, but in truth, the words hurt just as much as fists, sometimes more, and can haunt you long after your body heals.

It is not an easy thing to stand up to someone, particularly if that person is stronger, smarter, more popular, or just plain intimidating. Telling a child that a bully is in fact an insecure person who is using that “intimidation factor” to feel important may, in fact, help the child feel better about the situation, but it certainly won’t make what happened disappear. It is a rare child indeed who has the self-awareness to recognize the true nature behind the comments, and to not let the negative impact them. Even the most resilient kids are affected one way or another, and it doesn’t always take the same shape or sound like true intimidation, but it is just as impactful.

I can give you a personal example: My 13 year old is one of those rare children who is unusually self-aware and not generally affected by what people think. Yet he’s constantly making statements like (when driving up in front of a friend’s) “Oh no—she didn’t tell me she lives in a big house” or (behind someone in the car line driving a brand new Range Rover) “How much do you think that car is worth?” which he then follows with comments like “Never mind, it’s not a big deal.” That tells me my son has experienced intimidation based on the cars we drive and/or where we live. Never mind the cars were each $60K+ when new and our condo is nearly 2,000 square feet with 3 bedrooms, 3 baths and if we sold it would be near $1M; it’s the principal that we don’t appear to be in the same place as most of his classmates that has been reinforced to him. And that, in turn, has made him aware that he’s somehow not as “good” as his classmates, either.

All kids have experienced some sort of intimidation, and sometimes it’s good for them to recognize that there will always be someone smarter or stronger or wealthier than they are to give them a “reality check” if you will. It does keep you grounded to realize you’re not the best there is, period – because let’s face it, even Serena Williams loses a tennis match now and again. Treated the right way, it can motivate you to try your best, to be the best you can be. But it can easily get out of hand, even in the spirit of “healthy competition” (which, frankly, I have my reservations on even truly existing but that's a topic for another day). Even the most collaborative of teams have times where participants will gang up on one another or single out one member’s mistakes unfairly, and it can rapidly decay into a situation that could be classified as bullying.

Another example: My 17 year old is on the spectrum, but he’s high functioning and attends a traditional curriculum high school (with an IEP/Individualized Education Plan) where he plays on the Varsity football team. Yes, he’s teetered on academic ineligibility since the curriculum is difficult for him at times, but so has half the football team, most of which are not on IEPs. Yet my son has been called “retarded” by his teammates more times than I can count and solely for the reason that he receives (or is supposed to receive) special services. Most of these kids are, individually, good and kind, but when they get the “group think” thing going they can be brutal. All it takes is one to start it, and for the rest to jump on the bandwagon, and it becomes a bullying situation. And my son has resisted obtaining those services as a result, because it singles him out as “special”—the operative word here which has become a label that he hates more than being called “on the spectrum.”

People ask me, "Why don’t you just change schools?" We tried that once. Unfortunately we found that a different environment doesn’t always make for better circumstances. Even when you go to a school with a “zero tolerance” mandate for that type of behavior, you still see it in other ways. My 13 year old is a prime example of that since his school is one of those "zero tolerance" environments, yet he still experiences it even without actual verbal put-downs. The “group think” dynamic exists, whether it’s the popular kids being over the top stereotypically horrid (like they were in my school) or the as-dangerous-but-not-as-apparent silent hierarchy that singles out kids by lack of resources or “special needs” (that inadvertently provide them with those labels my older son balks at). It may not even be malicious, but it’s there, and eventually takes its toll whether it’s overtly noticeable or not.

Of course, there’s the Hollywood movie ending, where the bullied kids get their “just desserts” – like in “A Christmas Story” where little kind-hearted Ralphie ends up knocking the snot out of the much larger (and presumably older) nasty neighbor kid Scut Farkus who’s bullied Ralphie and his friends for years. We all cheered the first time we saw that scene, because of course we all thought that Farkus kid had it coming. But why is it the violence that’s the glorified solution here? Yes, maybe it helped Ralphie feel better, and maybe he earned some “points” with the kids at school, but I’m also thinking Farkus probably became the laughing stock of the neighborhood as a result – which in turn now makes him a victim.

We hear time and again that bullied kids are the ones that snap, that go on killing sprees or commit suicide because of the pain inflicted by those kids that were treating them unfairly. People ask, “How does that happen?” or “Where were the adults?” I don’t know that answer. I can tell you sometimes the adults involved can be just as at fault, by either inadvertently or openly encouraging the behavior thinking it’s going to “toughen up” the kid who’s the target. My older son still fears calling out those teammates that are less than kind given that used to ensure you were the team pariah; the perception was the hard-core attitudes made for stronger kids on the field. The new Coach has been awesome about addressing a "no put downs" agenda as much as he can, but unfortunately because it wasn’t the same situation in the past, that negative behavior still lingers.

Being a child is hard enough. We already put tremendous pressure on our kids every day to perform, to get top grades to achieve top academic awards, to get the best test scores to get into the best schools, to run the fastest times or the most yards in order to get a coveted scholarship. Add in the media's interpretation of what it looks like to be the best, the smartest, the coolest and/or the most athletic, and these kids are practically inundated with the idea that by the time they're pre-teens they're already somehow not measuring up. Throwing in bullying adds a whole other layer of pressure, and even the most self-actualized of kids can question their worth, their focus, their own selves. As parents we have to be diligent and ensure we're there for our kids and recognize the warning signs. You can't be ostriches with your heads in the sand telling yourself they'll grow out of it. Some of us do. But some don't. Don't fool yourself into thinking your kid will be the former. It wasn't until I was diagnosed as an Anorexic that my parents realized the bullying was really an issue.  Fortunately, I didn't end up suicidal, but my sister wasn't so lucky.

I’m not sure if there’s a perfect solution to all this. I’d welcome finding one. Kids grow up, but the scars from those years never leave them. I spent years in therapy and worked through thousands of hours of painful memories so I could try to “forgive and forget.” I wish things were perfectly sewed up in real life, and that I could comfortably say “Yeah, I was bullied, but I’m stronger for it.” Maybe that’s true, because yes I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve and yes I’m no longer crying in the bathroom because one of my “friends” made me feel like a complete idiot in front of everyone else. But I also have a really hard time letting people in, and I’ve gone from an extrovert to an introverted isolationist. I use sarcasm to avert my own feelings of inadequacy: I’m never strong enough, smart enough, good enough. It’s an uphill climb every damn day. I still battle with confidence, and I trust failure more than success. Trust me, I’m not healed; I’m healing, although I’m not sure I’ll ever be done. There are layers to those scars, and they run deep.

And my sons? Well, my sons are still in their fragile teenage years, and I’m trying my hardest to keep them from taking those negative stereotypes and thoughts to heart. But you can’t protect them forever. You can only try to be a supportive, caring parent, who practices and enforces a culture of tolerance and fairness. And allow for mistakes, because trust me, everyone says negative crap now and again that can be interpreted as malicious. My sons humble me for it constantly. So it does go both ways, and I appreciate that my kids are learning that it’s okay to speak up, and that zero tolerance is not a “nice to have”, it’s a “must have” – but also a constant work in progress.

Paving Paradise to put up a Parking Lot

Paving Paradise to put up a Parking Lot

by Christina Ramstein

“Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got
'Till it's gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot”

“Big Yellow Taxi”, Lyrics and music © by Joni Mitchell

If you’ve ever driven in Marina del Rey, you know that much of its boundaries are either water or wetlands. Many of the wetlands are actually adjacent to major thoroughfares and intersections, such as Lincoln Blvd., Jefferson Blvd, Culver Blvd, and even the 90 Marina Expressway. They’re also the borders to a number of housing projects, including condominiums, homes, and apartments, as well as strip malls, business complexes, industrial parks and community resources.

Everyone knows about Playa Vista these days (and if you don’t, and if you live within a 25 mile radius of LAX, then—begging your pardon, but—where have you been?!), where a large strip of native wetlands bordered by the old Hughes Aircraft Company (including the hangar where the infamous Spruce Goose was built) was developed into a mega-sized housing, business and retail complex, now gloriously nicknamed “Silicon Beach.” Playa Vista was the first of such wetland developments that somehow skipped through the system and yet resulted in millions of dollars in profit for developers along what was native land. We’ve all long gotten over the fact that it happened, because, let’s face it: there are too many businesses that are now benefitting the local economy, and housing prices have skyrocketed as a result of its proximity.

But that’s not to say that it wasn’t a blight on the city, and incensed environmentalists and residents alike that it went through. When driving East from Lincoln on Jefferson, what was once a greenbelt is now a tunnel of high rise buildings and construction vehicles and stoplights, and the building continues as more and more development manages to chip away the last of what was left of the lands that once grew wild to the south.

Concessions were made to allow for some of the adjacent land to remain undeveloped. Environmentalists worked hard to ensure the remaining wetlands were kept intact and deemed protected land. West of Lincoln, both sides of Jefferson and Culver are still native wetlands, which grow wild in the spring into a myriad of colors and serve as a natural habitat for a variety of indigenous plant and wild life. There is a small pocket condominium development within those lands that was built in the late 1960s, on the streets La Villa Marina and Fiji, which border Lincoln, Mindanao, the 90 and “Area C”, or the Ballona Wetland Preserve.

I have called La Villa Marina home for over 10 years. We live in harmony with the lands around us, recognizing the necessity of having an adjacent natural habitat as our neighbor. I have raised my children here; they played baseball (and one still does) at the adjoining Culver Marina Little League, they have ridden bikes and scooters on the many pathways that border the Los Angeles River, they run along the jetty and within the area, and thus have grown up in the neighborhood respecting and appreciating the wetlands that surround us. Our little development is bordered on one side by a strip of undeveloped land along the 90 south of Mindanao that, for anyone driving by, appears to be more wetlands. After all, the Ballona Wetlands Preserve is our southern neighbor, and the route to Culver along the frontage road is bordered by the same plant life.

Imagine our surprise when, a few years ago, we learned that the little strip wasn’t more of the protected land at all, but rather was partially owned by the State, while the remainder was privately owned. At first that meant little; the land was unfenced, infrequently tended, and wildly overgrown – as often happens with vacant lands – and the owners seemed to believe (as we had) that it was just a continuous part of the wetlands. After all, a swale weaves through that land that carries water and fertile ground throughout, carrying native seeds from within the protected land back into this private land—and vice versa. There is evidence of California Goldenrod, Mulefat and other indigenous plants growing throughout all of it, and there are no borders outlined along this strip to determine what is state-owned, what is privately-owned, and what is up for grabs.

Now, however, it matters. Private developers are looking to bulldoze two of the parcels directly adjacent to the 90 and Mindanao and build a parking lot for overflow storage of new cars for the Toyota of Marina del Rey Dealership. They intend to literally pave over what has been wild land for decades, dig up indigenous plant life and “relocate it,” chop down numerous 40 year old trees (several of which are on our own private property while others are “on the property line”), and build nine foot walls around that land to ensure their parking lot is secured. No matter that our alley will become a concrete tunnel, an echo chamber of momentous proportions, and all the beautiful foliage our villa currently looks at removed to ensure they can fit all 308 parking spots in as designed.

This land is privately-owned. No one is arguing that. But the fact that the City Planning Office was willing and ready to approve this without going through the proper channels was alarming. There was no Coastal Commission notification. There was no traffic impact study. Neighbors were left in the dark while the landowners dealt with a select few residents on the neighborhood Board who largely had no say or immediate personal impact as a result of what this dealership was proposing. And, worst of all, the Ballona Wetlands Preserve, the Sierra Club, and several other environmental agencies who are supposed to be notified of any pending developments near their protected lands, were not. Thankfully a concerned neighbor alerted them the day before a City hearing, which allowed them to take notice and not a moment too soon.

Developers argue that these two plots of land are not a part of the Wetlands, that they may be adjacent to them but that they remain independent of the Preserve. While that is true in the most legal sense, environmentally that is a very incorrect statement. Wetlands do not just “start and stop” – they ebb and flow, as evidenced by the swale that is a part of the parcels and connects through to both the State owned land as well as the Preserve lands themselves. They carry indigenous seeds to adjoining lands, and are home to many native species as a result.

Beyond the environmental impact, there are other use concerns, such as the traffic impact—which the City was told was minimal. However, these lands are adjacent to one of the busiest intersections in our community, and a bottleneck of traffic already exits. To add a parking lot with ingress/egress right at the intersection of Mindanao and the 90 will undoubtedly put even more strain on our consistently jammed streets, streets where insensitive drivers already regularly block the intersection, prohibiting resident access into/exit out of our cul-de-sac. It also will hinder access for emergency vehicles, which are already having a hard time getting through the intersections and into/out of the nearby hospital as it is.

Another concern is the financial impact. Real estate agents concur that the villas that face the proposed parking lot will notice a 5-10% detriment to their property values. Additionally, during construction the added dust, noise and smell of diesel and heavy vehicles will further decrease sales prices of those directly adjacent to the development. Our own private property will be infringed upon, garage access severely limited, and cement driveways damaged. The long-term impact is obvious, but still we are told “it will be so much better when it’s done.”

Proponents of the project say it will keep us more secure, given the increase of homeless we’ve seen within our property limits. They claim building a parking lot on the land will displace those already living within that land and cause them to go elsewhere. This is a groundless claim. Had the landowners policed the land on a regular basis, the homeless population would not have found a haven within this pocket to begin with. Additionally, the homeless by and large leave residents alone. They panhandle, they rummage through our trash, but they have rarely openly threatened anyone. Building a wall around the property will not prohibit the homeless from simply walking a block further and coming down our ungated alleyways and streets—access that is even more attractive to anyone with ill-intent given the lack of visibility from a thoroughfare and dark tunnel-like dead-end alleyways.

We met with the landowners, although it took us fighting their City Use Permit without notifying us up front to get their attention. We listened to them. We asked questions, many of which they could not or would not directly answer. We heard too much inconsistency, and the only thing that has remained a constant is their intent to pave over what we see out our windows currently and replace it with another asphalt jungle. We were told they’ll do it regardless, so we either agree to a compromise—which will still result in a parking lot, the removal of the indigenous vegetation as well as our trees and a wall surrounding the property—or they’ll simply go forward with a plan that isn’t nearly as “esthetically pleasing” or “secure” as the one currently proposed. (By the way, even with the alternatives presented, our Villa HOA voted unanimously to reject the existing proposal and is determined to keep them from doing anything further without the proper notifications, impact studies completed, and environmental approval.)

I am a fair-minded person. My opinions are generally founded on weighing the facts. And I agree that the landowners have a right to try to find a use for their private land. I would like to be a good neighbor, and find a solution that benefits everyone. But the fact that there have been so many issues uncovered while researching this project have made me very leery about  anything these landowners might propose now or in the future. I cannot say with any good faith that I trust them to have the well-being of our little community at heart as they otherwise claim. After all, they proposed to have this land rezoned without notifying property owners; thankfully, the City was required to do so, or we would not have ever learned about this to begin with. Even the City was astonished to hear that the neighbors and conservationists associated with the adjoining wetlands had not been appropriately notified, making everyone feel very under-informed and puzzled as to the process in general.

So the next time you drive by the 90/Mindanao, you may want to take a second look at this land and remember this little appeal. If you, like many others, would like to see agriculture and wild lands stay a part of our area where we can, then please follow our residents in opposing this development. Call your Council members, tweet them, write them letters in opposition. Contact City Planners, raise your voices, and be heard. This isn’t about politics; it’s about a community, treating neighborhoods with respect and honesty, and banding together to protect what is and should be preserved.

Joni Mitchell’s lyrics aren’t just part of a nice little tune. Realize that they speak for us, and are literally describing what is happening within our backyards. We are fighting to keep what we have before it’s gone.